Advice from New Moms
Being a new parent is no easy feat in a normal year, let alone in the midst of a global pandemic. As we all entered lockdown early last year, new challenges emerged for expecting parents who had many questions yet few answers as to what to prepare for. I’ve watched two close friends become first time parents last year in New York City while Covid-19 was at its peak. They safely delivered their babies and had time to adjust to the mayhem, so I wanted to get their unique perspective on the experience as others plan for the arrival of their own little ones in the coming months. Here are their thoughts in their own words.
What surprised you most about becoming a new parent?
Mama A: How hard it actually is - people don't exaggerate!! It completely changes your life and is the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. I don't think I could have anticipated how hard it would be to be a parent.
Mama B: Other parents always told me that you’ll feel this deep sense of love that you didn’t know existed once you have a baby. I definitely felt some love immediately but the intense love that sort of debilitates you didn’t really hit me until three months in. It was shocking and beautiful to feel the intensity of love I had in those moments of seeing my daughter react to me with smiles and laughs.
I was also surprised with the loneliness motherhood brought. On one hand, you have a beautiful baby who you feel so grateful to have, but on the other hand, you’re waking up in the middle of the night and early mornings for feedings while the rest of the world is sleeping. My primary human interaction was now with an infant. It was an emotional and mental struggle to get used to this new norm, especially while being in physical discomfort and pain from labor and delivery. Postpartum hormones are real, and they hit me hard. I wish I knew that beforehand so I could have been better prepared.
What was the silver lining of giving birth during the COVID lockdown?
Mama A: Being home longer with my baby! My original maternity leave was meant to be two months however, due to COVID I was working from home full-time and able to be around for longer than I anticipated. Working from home with a baby presents its own challenges but I am really grateful for the extended time. Being able to bond as a family unit of three has been really special.
Mama B: My silver lining was having my husband working from home full-time. We initially prepared for a one-week paternity leave but he ended up being home for much longer, due to COVID. Not only was it nice to have an extra set of hands when he wasn’t on conference calls, but it made a really lonely period of time feel a little less dark. Plus, it has given him much more time to develop a real bond with our baby, and that has been special to see.
What was the hardest part about being a new parent during COVID?
Mama A: The overall anxiety was tough. I suffer from anxiety in general, plus the added postpartum and first-time parent stress as well as COVID was overwhelming at times. You have this little baby who is so vulnerable as it is and the whole world is facing a pandemic. Even the doctors don't have all of the answers. I definitely went into extreme mama bear mode.
Mama B:The hardest part for me was being a new mom without having my parents close by. I didn’t know how difficult postpartum recovery would be on me both physically and mentally, and not having my mom with me made it even harder. Additionally, my baby was my parents’ first grandchild, and it made me sad to think about all the “firsts” they were missing out on.
Was there a particular resource that helped you the most?
Mama A: I really love our pediatrician and the pediatric group they are part of. They had a lot of Instagram live sessions (CPR, sleep, baby massages, etc.) that were open to all during the pandemic that were so very useful. I also am part of a safe sleep baby group on Facebook. They are quite disciplined in following the ABC's (Alone, Back, Crib!) of safe sleep. It can feel intense at times but the evidence-based advice that they share is really informative and helpful.
Mama B:The best advice always came from another mom and not my late-night google sessions! Whether it was answers to questions, words of encouragement or just someone to listen that understood what I was going through, it saved me in so many moments. No matter how much advice you receive, you just have to figure out what works best for you and your baby. Mother’s intuition is a real thing.
What do you wish you knew before giving birth?
Mama A: I would recommend taking a labor class that specifically explains labor phases and what the medical interventions are (different from a Lamaze class). It's so important to be educated in the pros and cons of different interventions and medical processes (epidural, pitocin, episiotomy, vacuum, c-section, etc.) so that you can make the best decisions for your care in real time. Many people (myself included) go in with a "birthing plan" which usually never pans out the way that we intend. Sparing details, I also wish I knew more about postpartum care and ways to be more comfortable during healing!
Mama B: Postpartum recovery is really, really difficult mentally and physically. I was physically exhausted and in pain and everything was challenging including walking, sitting, sleeping. I’ve heard from so many people that labor and delivery is so hard. But I felt blindsided by the postpartum recovery process. I felt so much love for my baby but I was also sad, lonely and confused about motherhood for several weeks. It took awhile for me to come out of my funk.
What is a common misconception about being a new mom?
Mama A: Babies really change your life, your priorities and your mindset - you life is now dictated by this little person and it’s a big adjustment! I thought that I would be able to live my same exact life for the most part (Covd-19 aside) and have my baby come with me everywhere - which may be possible to an extent but a lot of patience and flexibility is required while you adjust.
Mama B: The biggest misconception for me is that labor and delivery was the hard part and that the following days are just filled with love and joy. Motherhood is the hard part! I’m lucky if I can find ten minutes to myself these days. I have to plan out when I can go to the bathroom, take a shower, make a quick meal for myself...and usually I don’t have more than a few minutes to do any of those things. While I do feel very lucky and blessed to have a healthy, beautiful baby, part of me does miss being selfish with my time.
Was there something you felt pressured to do but didn't feel natural or relevant to you?
Mama A: I didn't really experience this. I knew how I wanted to parent and am happy that I was able to follow that. Of course there is so much pressure and comparison seeing bloggers, other mothers and all of the noise out there which can make someone feel guilty or doubt how they have chosen to parent, but I try to stick with what works best for us and have confidence in myself.
Mama B: I felt major pressure to breastfeed. Everyone talks about how amazing breast milk is for the baby, but I never really heard people talk about how mentally and physically exhausting it is, and how lonely you can feel when you’re awake during the wee hours of the night with no one besides your breast pump to keep you company. I understood the benefits of breastmilk, so I tried everything I could for ten weeks. Despite working with a lactation consultant, I was never able to produce enough to feed my baby. I heard so many people say “keep trying, don’t give up, it will happen.” In those moments, what I would have loved to hear instead is that as long as your baby is fed, nothing else really matters because it’s true. Your baby is going to be full, happy and healthy whether you give them breastmilk or formula.
What were the best gifts or acts of kindness you received?
Mama A: So many food deliveries from work, friends and family! It was a lifesaver especially since in the beginning I felt like I didn't have time to even brush my teeth nevermind make food!
Mama B: The gifts that meant the most were the simple ones. A good friend created a video for us with messages from all of our friends and family around the world who weren’t able to see us or the baby because of COVID. Also, words of encouragement were so needed and so nice in those initial few weeks when our worlds felt like they had been turned upside down.
What do you wish friends/family members of new parents knew to be more supportive or helpful?
Mama A: Being there and checking in helps more than people realize! It can be isolating to be a new parent in the best of times but with COVID, not being able to travel to see family has even made it more so. It is heartbreaking that I feel like we can't go out and socialize as freely as I would like to see our family as much as I would like in this time (there are so many family members who will probably not get to meet our son until after he is a year old!) FaceTimes to check in really help to stay connected.
Mama B: The messages I loved the most were from friends and family who would check in, but wouldn’t expect a response. When you have a newborn baby who keeps you up pretty much all night, it’s hard to have the energy or desire to engage in conversation. Check in and don’t expect a response right away, but know that your kind words are appreciated!
New parents are exhausted and still trying to find their groove with this new addition to their life. Let them know you’re available to help, but give them a few minutes to breathe and soak it all in too! They’ll come to you when they’re ready.
Unsolicited advice, especially when you’re emotional and already questioning your parenting abilities, was one of the hardest things for me to navigate through as a new mom. It still is. I think it’s important for friends and family (especially the ones that have been through it before) to know that in the end, people are going to do things the way they want to. It’s nice to give them the freedom to do that.
What advice to have to new parents who may be giving birth during the pandemic?
Mama A: It will all be ok!! Trust yourself to do things that you feel comfortable with. There is no rule book in this time, so first and foremost you need to do what is best for your family’s health.
Mama B:I truly believe women have strength that they don’t even know existed until they become a mother. Living in this pandemic is scary and makes things feel uncertain, but in the end, you will always do what you need to do for your baby. Focus on that, let it guide you, and try to shut out the rest of the noise.
What advice do you have in general for new moms or new parents?
Mama B: Don’t compare yourself to others. I killed myself thinking about what some parents did for their babies that we weren’t doing. But every baby is different, and your parenting decisions should be focused on what is best for YOUR baby.
Divide & conquer. It’s hard to do this when your spouse doesn’t have paternity leave, but we found ways to make it work. We split morning and night shifts and eventually found our groove with the help of incredible family and friends.
Ask for help when you need it! You do not need to do everything by yourself. There is no prize for the parent who overexerts themselves and takes on every single feeding, diaper, bath and meal time on their own. If you aren’t rested, you can’t be fully present for your baby.
Even the best parents don’t know what they’re doing sometimes...everyone is just winging it. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to do everything the “right” way. It’s okay not to love every second of motherhood. It’s hard, exhausting and draining.
I cannot thank these two amazing ladies for being so transparent and vulnerable for the benefit of the AHD community! Hope you found this helpful and sending my best to expecting parents.