This Feeling is Grief
It is week six of working from home + social distancing. I have felt so many emotions including sadness, anger, frustration, relief, confusion, and strangely, a sense of inner peace. Initially, I distracted myself with the logistics of the transition and the tasks that needed to be accomplished in the short term. I figured this was temporary and so I didn’t let reality sink in. Then I heard stories about loved ones who are getting sick or laid off. My sister brought home stories of tough days from the hospital where she is a ICU nurse surrounded by the sickest Covid+ patients. I screamed at the TV when leadership failed us. I found ways to occupy myself with Tiger King and baking. 6 weeks later, there is still no end in sight. What do you do when there’s nothing concrete to look forward to? Yes, life will eventually resume to a new normal but the question is when?
Each person has faced a disruption to their life, whether small or big. Everytime I’m asked how I’m doing, the answer is “I’m doing well, all things considered.” But in reality, I am grieving alongside the entire world.
We are grieving the lives lost to this virus and those forever changed, the memories we hoped to make, the moments missed/spent apart, the plans that have been changed and cancelled, and normal life as we knew it. Many are grieving the loss of their jobs, financial stability, and time with their loved ones. I think about the last dinner I had with two close girlfriends at a restaurant… would I have done it differently if I knew I wouldn’t see them for months? Would I have hugged them a little longer or spent an extra 30 minutes chatting over dessert instead of running to catch a train? I think about the last trip I went on… would I have woken up a little earlier or stayed up later to maximize the day if I knew it was my last trip?
Everyone experiences grief differently. Some are paralyzed by it, some can channel it into productive energy, and for some it can be a trigger to deeper feelings. I had my fair share of grief and I learned a lot about myself in that process. I learned that I like to stay very busy to avoid my feelings, I run from the emotional waves until they catch me when I least expect it. But I can’t really do that this time. There’s not enough to do to fully distract myself and so there are daily emotional waves that I am forced to face.
All I can do now is try to process everything I’m feeling and hope to be a better person when this is over. I hope to be more present, more grateful, more compassionate, and more impulsive (in a good way!). I know this quiet time can be a gift for my life if I treat it that way. Each day gets a bit easier and I’ve realized I am capable of centering myself. I have let myself enjoy the small moments of these quieter days.
Here’s a list of things that have helped me cope:
Regular video chats with my friends… every Saturday with my college group and every Thursday with my high school friends.
Taking a free class online called The Science of Well Being.
Baking and cooking even tho I got a pretty bad burn the other day! (Don’t cook while hangry)
Therapy sessions over FaceTime
Exercising and mediating when I want to, not because I have to
Daydreaming of future dinners, sleepovers, and trips with my friends
Thinking about things I’m grateful for each day
Paying it forward with small acts of kindness and celebrating the good people around us
Laughing at the creative memes, sketches, and TikTok videos all over instagram (Leslie Jordan is a national treasure). Crying at the beautiful posts about the resilience of New Yorkers like this and this.
Reading articles, blog posts, and books
When I need new ideas, here’s a great resource I plan to use.
These days are hard and your struggles should not be minimized or suppressed. Let the emotions wash over you and know that it gets easier with time. We are all in this together.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” — Haruki Murakami
